Ball In Play!

Wrote most of this several weeks ago, thought I should finally finish it up and publish it...

So I've been trying to write this blog for a few days now, but just can't seem to... what? Spit it out? I get caught up in describing my love of Oregon (the trees, the rolling landscape, the farming, the wine, and don't even get me started on sweet potato fries or the hazelnut milkshakes) or I start thinking about the weather (muuuuu-uuuddy and cold and wet. I know, there's a shocker), which, of course, makes me think of my love of soccer, especially on foggy days (running in the cool mountain air and crashing into people, occasionally kicking a ball... good times), and thinking about cool weather gets me to thinking about how I'm holed up in my room with the perfect writing conditions (blankets, laptop, cup of coffee and a pint of Dove Caramel Pecan Perfection with a ganache layer! The ice cream not me. And the sound track to BSG: Season 2 playing "Roslin and Adama" on repeat. Like I said, perfect). Pecans get me to ruminating on my plans for Christmas (I had about a kijillion cookie recipes lined up in preparation of a baking fit that, sadly, did not happen), thinking of Christmas gets me to thinking about the movie I just watched called Joyex Noel (which was good, weird Scottish brothers aside, I'd recommend renting it) and wondering how exactly one pronounces Joyex Noel... but man! If you give a mouse a cookie, or moose a muffin... I mean really! All this stuff, all this fluff is just a cutesy way of segueing into what I really want to write about.

I learned something about myself this week.

This is big news as I'm generally a kinda out of it gal. A bit obtuse to the world around me? Perhaps. Living in my own pink haze? Closer. A big dumb Labrador of a human being swinging along through life enjoying the view from a wreaking ball chain? Ooo, that! Anywho (again with the side tracking. Geesh! If you give an animal a baked good they're just going to ask for a beverage. Am I right?), since I'm not Miss Sharp 'Round the Edges, self discovery is always a bit of a what? Surprise? Mostly. A painful surprise? Sometimes. A painfully hard to explain surprise? There you go. And as with any self-discovering-kind-of-thingy it's easier to move through the epiphany explosion going on in your being than to describe it to others and not sound like a... kooky person? No. A cookie person? Only at Christmas or if there are mice around. A person who avoids painful confrontation and accountability by following endless tangents? Ouch, I'm getting there. First the baked good, then the beverage, then all sorts of demanding woodland animal meets stupidly accommodating human hyginx! There's a progression here people, stick with me.

Sunday I talked to friend about a heartache.
Monday I talked to a stranger about the unknown.
Wednesday I talked to a family member about loss.

It was a chatty week. And what did I bring to the table, to the topics of conversation? Gems like: "we will refer to him as the runt from here on out and we will eat vast amounts of ice cream (with a ganache layer) asap" or "what!?!" or the favorite: "ball in play, sister." This is why they call me Beth the Wise- my scintillating and thought provoking verbage. Here's the thing though, that lame "ball in play" thing got me to thinking. Yes, about soccer and Oregon weather and Christmas and cookies and mice and mooses, but also about how fear of loss, the unknown, heartache, life, can stop us dead in our tracks, or rather me.

See, prepping for a catering gig has the ability to freak me out (yes, I know I don't cater anymore and that's true, mostly, but follow along here anyhow). A lot of planning and hard work goes into each job, into making each event perfect, or as perfect as I can get it. And perfection requires some heavy lifting. The clients happiness and my pay check are at stake and if I blow it? Let's just say, yikes. So stress and anxiety build till the event begins and then well, the ball is in play and I have no more time to worry. It's time to do the job for better or for worse and let the outcome worry about itself because I have stuff to do. Ball in play. Here's the kicker- outside of a gig fear of loss, the unknown, heartache, or just plain not doing things right leave me paralyzed. And I know you're thinking, "oooo, wow, some epiphany... the paralyzing fear of perfection." But by not doing things "right" I don't mean perfection (though up until a minute ago I thought I did) I mean fear of failing God's will.
Crap.
I know, I mean, I KNOW Jesus didn't promise me a rose garden, but there it is. I have this fear that not doing things right, His way, will lead to discomfort or pain. Which it can, but it also sometimes doesn't. Just like following His will can lead to joy or it can lead to painfully stretching ourselves, myselves. Right Sybil? Crap, and again I say, crap! Two for flinching Beth, and two more for doing it all the time, and two more for telling other people they shouldn't, and another one because...

One of my favorite quotes is by Oliver Wendell Holmes (I know, your world just tilted) who said: "I find the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving: to reach the port of heaven, we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it -- but we must sail, and not drift, nor lie at anchor." I, of course, paraphrase that into, "God can't steer a boat that's standing still." ...and your world just righted itself. How many times have I stopped dead not knowing what to do, where to go, how to act, who to be, what to be, where to be? My life has been a spastic lurching trail. Fear leaves me indecisive and at a stand still, then circumstance comes and tumbles me along.

So I fear failing God's will or missing it. Because if I get it just right, do the thing He wants life will be smooth sailing? HA! Why do I hesitate, panic, then hesitate some more whenever life changes up? The ball is in play, the ship is at sea, life is happening and God's will be done in the playing, the sailing, the mixing of metaphors!

So the car gets crashed.
So the business is an unknown.
So that boy's a jerk.
So the other car won't run.
So the family frustrates the hell out of you.
So the pay check isn't stretching as far as it should.
So
So
So

So if the ball is play, the girl is gonna want to play soccer, and if she plays soccer she's gonna wanna play on a muddy field, muddy fields can be found in the very wet state of Oregon, Oregon has lots of hazelnuts, hazelnuts are good ground up in chocolate shakes, if the girl drinks a hazelnut chocolate shake very fast (which she will because she gobbles her food) then she will get a headache, her headache will remind her of her friend's heartache, which will make her think of loss and fear and God's will and, oddly, sailing. She will think of life and how it is rarely smooth sailing, but that's ok because the ball is in play and that is what matters. And that's why, children, you never give a mouse a cookie, a moose a muffin, or a Beth a blog.

So
So
So
So play soccer in the mud and fog.
So plan a plethora of Christmas cookies.
So eat sweet potato fries with lots of salt and ice cream with a ganache layer.
So mourn with friends.
So sympathize with family.
So encourage a stranger.

So trite.
So true.

So there.

Whew!